I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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