I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
