Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
