I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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