Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
