as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
