How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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