I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
