Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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