I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
