My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
