The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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