benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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