I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
