i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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