Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
