opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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