I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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