The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
