when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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