Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
