i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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