Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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