Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
