The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
