I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
