Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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