I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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