She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
