well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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