textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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