Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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