I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
