I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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