i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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