Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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