Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
