I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
