I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
