you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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