I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
