Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
