i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
