I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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