i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
