So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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