im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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