M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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