he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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