She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
