Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
