What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
