ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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